My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
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7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me