[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
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[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
⚪️🟧🟢⚪️🟡
🟢⚪️⚪️🟡⚪️
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️🟢
🟧⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
⚪️🟢🟡⚪️🟧
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️⚪️
⚪️🟧⚪️🟡🟢
🟢⚪️🟡🟧⚪️
🟡⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
$3 #books
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.