Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
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Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
Investing in beetcoin
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
Body by sandwich.
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
found this cool rock hiking today
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you