My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
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How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
pizza
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face