Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
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“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
Bruh PLEASE
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with