My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
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Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
The French word for sex is croissant.
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.