@Caissie: My son on the morning of his prom: "Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night."
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@FuckabillyRex: "Sorry, I have to take this call." "That's a banana. And it's half eaten." *covers banana with hand "I don't tell you how to do business."
@OneTrickTofani: Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a "cornbed" so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
@NurseMurderer: Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely. Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
@Mardigroan: Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn't improved since fourth grade.