My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
You Might Also Like
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.