My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
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Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL