My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
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“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic