The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
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If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud