Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
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If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies