My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
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Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*