@ericsshadow: My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
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@TheRobCee: [Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower] "Yo, Taylor- I'm really happy for you & I'm-a let you finish, but..."
@ibid78: CASHIER: is there anything else I can help you with? ME: *pulls out my trigonometry homework from 1995* yes, yes there is
@VodkaShorebird: Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: "Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?"
@gsu9696: Yeah, he jumped from 128,000 feet, but I fixed the shower today with a 4yo asking what i was doing 128,000 times.... Lets call it tie, ok?