@ericsshadow: My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
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@zachreinert03: My friend said a baby crying is the best form of birth control but there was a baby bawling next door all night & my girlfriend got pregnant
@FrenulumBreve: [at the zoo] Llama spits in my face I spit in llamas face Llama slaps me I grab llamas hair Scuffle ensues Llamas gf shouts "leave it Gary!"
@AdamOfEarth: [Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire... Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness] Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS