My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
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*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok