My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
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I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice