My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
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“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.