My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
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A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”