My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
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Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
🖤✌🏽
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.