My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
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[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.