My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
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Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
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Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
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On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
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Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
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BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
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