wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
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People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.