Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
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front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
#Caturday
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.