My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
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Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that