[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
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“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.