Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
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My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
seems fine
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.