Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
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If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
The news
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
File under excellent bookstore names.
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
Passwords are more important than ever.
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.