Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
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Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?