My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
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Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
Doormats are a gateway rug.
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
mariah carrie
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
Van Gone
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.