My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
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[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
Yup….perfect score!
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!