My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
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Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
…..pretty much.
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.