My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
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Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
We’re all getting idioter.
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot