It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
You Might Also Like
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
This is my pinned tweet
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁