If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
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I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
c’mon!
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape