@TragicAllyHere: My son was crying and asked, "why doesn't the dog have to wear pants?" And it's like, I don't even know. So now I'm putting pants on a dog.
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@F5X11: I send flowers "From Steve" to my neighbors wife every Friday night, then watch them fight from my living room window while eating popcorn
@XplodingUnicorn: 2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church* Me: She has a baby in her tummy. 2: *whispering* She ate it.
@DaddyJew: Gf: come over Me: can't, playing the new call of duty Gf: my parents are out of town Me: you're 30 years old, grow up
@DirtMcTurd: My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.