My son was crying and asked, “why doesn’t the dog have to wear pants?” And it’s like, I don’t even know. So now I’m putting pants on a dog.
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Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
can’t wait til they legalize outside
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]