My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
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I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
christening a ship with an overripe banana
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath