@HousewifeOfHell: My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
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@TweetingDadGuy: Live tweeting from Sunday Mass! We're sitting. Now standing. Sitting. Sorry, should've been kneeling. Shit, that was embarrassing.
@Scdavis24: If god came down to earth, he'd have to take the form of Morgan Freeman. At this point, anything less would be disappointing.
@Lemonidas42: Man: "I think I saw a UFO last night" UFO with fake moustache: "Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something"