My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
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I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
Owl Sanctuary
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.