My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
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Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain