@Brianhopecomedy: My son went over to a friend's house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
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@NewDadNotes: [pregnant with first child] Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis. [two years later] Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor. Wife: she’s fine.
@fro_vo: Dr: well i have good news and bad news Me: give me the bad news Dr: you have cancer Me: what's the good news Dr: i don't
@alispagnola: I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, "helium." Also, my friend is a balloon.