@Brianhopecomedy: My son went over to a friend's house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
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@WilliamAder: I remember my first time at a mic. "Cleanup on aisle 5" & "Price check-Advil" were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
@WouldbeAllen: JACOB MARLEY: 3 ghosts will visit you! ME: do u count? JM: what ME: you're a ghost. Do u count? JM: dude this the kinda shit they don't like
@TheToddWilliams: GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood ...do you know what I'm thinking? PSYCHIC COP: Yes GOOD COP: Oh right
@murrman5: [furious with son] wife: what happened? me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish [son from room] yolo isn't spanish me: ya see