Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
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Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
Who chose this font
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”