@dulcetry: My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
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@realHamOnWry: These days, satisfying my sex drive is like using Uber. It's a nervous ride with a stranger who expects to be paid after we reach the end.
@supertweetjen: The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he'll spare my life.
@JustaFunEscape: Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don't know how I got here and I'm not even sure where "here" is.