My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
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*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge