My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
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“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?