my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
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inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
Don’t snitch tag.
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that