I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
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Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car