BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
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The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
dam girl
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend