no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
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1. College frat
2. Airport security line
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
accurate
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
The first one, obviously
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”