My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
You Might Also Like
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”