My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
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Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
Potatoes were such a good idea
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face