My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
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Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.